Let me first say, that I really do not like being called Tiff. But really, who does that? Who goes around asking me if I have had sex? Yes, I have an accountability partner, but that person is not YOU!
I have been approached over the past few months by several people who question what makes me stay pure. It may shock you that the people who question me are Christians. (Or maybe it does not shock you…) Most Christians know or have heard the scripture “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body....You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18, 20) But did that really work for me? Not initially. In order to fully understand why I choose to honor God with my body now and for the rest of my life, I would have to begin with my testimony.
CHAPTER 1. You may be sure that your sin will find you out. (Numbers 32:23)
This scripture often rang through my head as a young girl. What sin was I afraid would be found out? The sin of lying held me captive. I was lying about abuse. I had been experiencing physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in my home from the young age of 8. I was so afraid that if my family knew the truth, the person who was harming me would surely be killed or hurt badly, so I chose to keep that to myself. Until one day the abuser decided to move on to another sibling…At this point, I had to tell someone because keeping it in would not only hurt me, but it would also hurt a sibling or two. TRUTH—when I told, nothing changed. Why? FEAR. My family was so afraid of this person that they decided to make it a family secret, and yet, I continued to suffer. MORE LIES—“This kind of thing has happened in our family before, and it should remain in the family.” This is what I had been told as my 9 year old body was being examined by the doctor only to reveal scars and scratches down below. This abuse continued until I was about 12, and at that point, I was too old and less pleasing. Though he never used his genitals to violate me, the damage had already been done. I sought refuge in the church. I was baptized and active in my home church. I used to notice a young man sitting in the back, and I often made him my focus. There was something about his eyes. It somehow made me feel a little peace. His life seemed so normal, and mine...not so much. Watching his family participating in church functions was a sort of focal point for me. Little did I know that this man would play a large role later in my life.
CHAPTER 2. We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians10:5)
As a 17-year old student at Spelman College, I was very excited to be a part of such a legacy of womanhood. I remember when it began at age 16. I had decided (firmly) that I would become a Spelmanite and nothing could stop me from leaving my home town and all the memories it held. I had a boyfriend and was being tempted at this point. I stepped outside of my normal boundaries, but I was very scared. He never seemed to connect sex with love. To me, it was an act that you committed with your husband, but everyone was "doing it." FOOLISH — The silly thing is, I NEVER got any enjoyment out of kissing or touching or anything physical. My boyfriend thought it was wonderful, but inside I was reeling at the pain of the act and the disgust I felt. I was disgusted because somewhere down the line, I remembered the sermons and bible studies and Sunday school lessons detailing to me that my body is not my own. It is the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit. Why He would want to dwell within me, I wouldn’t know until later, but at the time, it made me sick to my stomach every single time I engaged in any physical act. On March 5, 2000, I attended Destiny Metropolitan Worship Church with a “radical” group at my school called New Generation Campus Ministry. The message given by Pastor Bryan Crute touched me so deeply, that I could not (would not) leave without joining the church. I remember feeling like I had danced into my destiny. Never had I felt like nothing I did or could ever do mattered as much as who God saw me as. I rested that night for the first time in a while because I knew God had a plan for me and my best and brightest days were ahead. I remember reading 2 Corinthians 10:5 (above) and thinking, “Yes! I can conquer this thing and get on with life ‘for real.’”
March 6, 2000—I received the call that my brother had passed away in his sleep at the age of 14. I was so crushed because before that time, I had never been touched by death. I called on my new sisters in Christ, and they never left me. They know who they are, and I still love them dearly for that. Did I blame God? No. Reginald had been sick his whole life. In the following year, I lost a sister and my beloved grandmother. Life seemed to be hitting me so hard in the gut, and I fought back: HARD! I was so on fire for Christ that it seemed like the pain I felt was nothing in comparison to the joy He would give or the comfort I felt through the Word or messages given by Pastor Crute or Mr. Barrett.
CHAPTER 3. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8)
Although I was on fire for Christ, I wasn’t self-controlled. I would pray that God give me the strength to remain pure, and for a season, He did. I dated a man named "G" and eventually gave in to the pressure of having sex after being told I could not bare children. It only took one night. This man knew all the things to say and do, and it worked for him. He was able to get what he wanted from me and took full advantage of me in a vulnerable state. He would drive me to work in my car and use my cell phone. Silly, right? I know, and I have no justification except that he was charismatic--the kind of slyness that the devil will use to prevent us from having what God wants us to have. Is “G” the devil, No! I was fully aware when I engaged in the act that produced my son, Giovanni. What I wasn’t not aware of was the fact that I would have to lose everything to regain the life God had for me. When I say I lost everything, I really mean EVERYTHING. As I mentioned, “G” and I planned to have Giovanni after a doctor told me I would not be able to bare children and needed a hysterectomy. At the 5 month mark of my pregnancy, “G” went to Florida, and while away I discovered that he was sleeping with and using my car and home to have a relationship with a high school girl. Our relationship was cut short because I knew this man would never wait again to have sex. It was too late though, my Bank of America and Wachovia bank accounts had been drained. At the 38 week mark of my pregnancy (also my birthday), I went into false labor after the police came to my home to search for weapons and “G.” See he had been using my vehicle to rob people’s homes. Would I have suspected he would do anything like this? No. He worked for his parents as far as I could tell. Ladies, let me tell you this for certain—DO your DUE DILIGENCE!!! After I delivered my son without “G” (he had been incarcerated), I was forced to leave everything behind to begin again in TX with my mom.
When I left TX, I settled in a town called Horn Lake, MS. Soon after, I began a real, authentic relationship with that young man from my church. His name is Tyrone. He was so strong and caring. He was thoughtful and respectful and considerate. I often thought, does this man see the things in himself that I see in him? I prayed for Tyrone each night that he would give up everything for Christ. I knew that Tyrone would be an ideal soldier for Christ. I only wished that he would figure it out. We were great at everything from spades to cooking. My family; however, did not see things that way. They were very clear that Tyrone had issues that needed to be ironed out before we could be together and they did everything they could to make sure I knew every fault he ever had. This did not sway me though. I was convinced that Tyrone was the man for me. One night though, Tyrone left after an argument and we cut things off for a while. The thing is, though, Giovanni was not my only child. Out of fear and mistrust, I had been forced by my doctors to give up a baby girl due to complications. I will never forget the coldness and the loneliness and the darkness that came over my life. Tyrone was not there and I felt nothing. I had nothing. Me, the strong one in the bunch—the smart one, planned to leave Mississippi with NOTHING. I wanted so badly to just cry and work things out with Tyrone and get through this together. Nothing feels like the loss of a baby. That’s what I thought…God knew exactly what would happen, but I felt so far from His love and grace. I thought why would He accept me back? What the devil means for bad, my God can cause to be for MY good!
CHAPTER 4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFCeyeLSBoQ Restoration has FINALLY come
This song came to me while I was away from Atlanta. I could remember a time in the old church (Destiny) when Pastor Crute began singing this song on Sunday and the words flowed out of my mouth although I had never heard it. I had been diagnosed with a muscle weakening disorder, myasthenia gravis, shortly after I delivered Giovanni. How like my God to prove to me that I am not as strong as I think, and His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I really feel total dependency on Him for normal tasks such as lifting my arms and legs. This time away from Atlanta was a time of purging and reclamation of all God’s promises to me. I began with my body. As for me and my house (which meant my body at the time), we will serve the Lord! (Joshua 24:15) “This is the place where You will dwell again,” I told God. And He responded, “Tiffaney, I never left you.” I sobbed because I felt like if He can forgive me for all this, then I could forgive my offender and family for what happened, my son’s dad for what he had done and would do, and myself for playing god and taking life into my own hands and listening to doctor's who had limited knowledge. Who knows who my daughter would have become even if she were disabled? I began to spend so much time in His presence (via reading His word, praying, and fasting) until I felt like we were meshed together again. Do I feel temptation, YES! Pastor once said that if you have a sexual appetite, that means #1-You aren’t a eunuch, and #2—you need to get married. I finally felt the freedom, the liberty, and the transparency to be Tiffaney again— but not just any Tiffaney, His Tiffaney. The young lady who had been tough her whole life (or so she thought) was now available for God to use because of her humility.
CHAPTER 5. For the grace of God that brings salvation...teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age. (Titus 2:11-12)
I am now back in Atlanta, and serving at Destiny. I have a God-vision that I know I can’t accomplish without His help, and I feel like I am back where I know he needs me to be. I can truly say that my life is a testament to the Grace of God. He never left me and He has redeemed me. I have never been so confident in my ability to overcome. I am Confident, intelligent, caring, passionate, RESILIENT, loving, imaginative, hopeful, fearfully and wonderfully made, blessed, SELFLESS, Christian, mother, and WOMAN all at the same time! I no longer compromise what I know God can do in my life. I love hard and demand the respect that my Daddy said I can have! It is through Christ that I live, move, and have my being (Acts 17:28). I often think of and dream, of a day when I can speak to Tyrone just to see how he has changed. I am trusting God for a change in his life. I love Tyrone enough that even if he doesn't want me, I will always pray for his health, strength, and family because I love him too much to let him live his life outside of what God has for him.
**So back to the original question*
Tiff, why haven’t you given it up? Don’t you know that won’t last 3 months (6 tops) with a grown man? Nobody “really” waits until they are married anymore. You shouldn’t feel bad about giving a man some booty.
#1—I fear God.
The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death. (Proverbs 14:27)
God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Right? So, I know where I was, and I DO NOT intend on risking all the ground that I have covered with Him for a few moments of pleasure. (That, mind you, was not all that comfortable and enjoyable for me anyway). If I ever get married, I want to be able to say to my husband, “I love God so much that I wanted to wait to give this gift to you, and I know he will honor our marriage because of this commitment.”
#2—I am thankful for my justification.
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor...the greedy nor drunkards...will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, [but] you were sanctified, [but] you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:9-11)
See, nothing in this world has ever justified me like Jesus has. Nothing. Not the awesome grades—Dad doesn’t acknowledge that. Not the career achievements—Money is fleeting! I could go on and on. My flesh will submit to the authority of Christ Jesus. Period!
#3—Jesus died for me.
“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”(John 15:13)
Really, I cringe when I think of all the things I have done. I think of myself as an active participant at the cross. Spitting on Him, mocking Him, laughing at Him when I was in sin. Little did I know He did that for me 2000 years before I was even thought of! It is sobering for me. The cross (not the wood, but the suffering) hurts me to the core. Yet, I know no man that would lay down his life for me, and I am supposed to lie down and open my legs to any man? Nah! The man I end up in a relationship with will love Christ more than he loves/adores/respects me. This makes me secure. I pray that his reverence for the cross of Christ keeps him focused on his purpose just as it does for me. A tree is known by its fruit (Luke 6:44)
#4—there are so many other things we can do.
“The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:32-34)
My primary goal in life is pleasing God. This comes before my son, and for sure comes before any man. I want to be holy and acceptable. If I allow a man to have my body now, what example am I showing my son? I desire to teach my son how to respect women and love God. Contrary to popular belief, you can wait until you are married to have sex AFTER you have had sex previously! DISCLAIMER: Just because I have a son, doesn’t mean I am easy! I love seeing people come to Christ, and I enjoy changing the world through the youth. If I were sleeping around, would my leadership suffer? YES! Children see everything! They follow our example. I imagine all the lives that would be affected by my sin, and it is not worth it to me. Instead of worrying about how sexy I can be for fleeting attention, I focus on waiting on the man of my dreams to reach his full potential in Christ. It may not be popular, but it's worth it to me to be able to say, "Hunny, I trusted God and I waited on you." I am praying that we are reunited and that our efforts are honoring to God.
#5 (LASTLY)—I am free!
“Whom the Son sets free is free indeed.” (John 8:36)
This has become my mantra—2 Corinthians 5:16-20 MES—
“Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you.”
I hope this helps YOU.
Love,
Tiffaney
